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Is this the new normal?

Pic Credit- Link

Amidst the Covid-19 crises, we people have been hit with a barrage of articles and webinars from all fronts, concentrating on one pivotal question- What is the new normal?

So, the standard template being peddled, is to blurt out a weird occurrence, and then philosophically ask if it represents the new normal. For example below-

Donkey mates with zebra creating a ‘zonkey’? Is this the new normal?

Well I am not a biology or zoology expert, but my limited knowledge tells me that species should procreate within then own species ideally and not try getting too adventurous.

Fortune 500 CEOs operating out of bouncy castles? Is this the new normal?

l sincerely hope not. Just screws up my mental idea of what a professional organization ought to be.

Salman Khan giving the whole nation daily tasks like Big Boss. Is this the new normal?

Not a bad idea, since the PM has stopped giving us new tasks even though we outperformed in the previous two tasks.Almost felt like getting an outstanding appraisal rating but only a replacement of your swivel chair with broken wheels to a well balanced swivel chair in lieue of performance (though many employees might readily stab each other for this privilege too). Heartbroken is the word you are looking for.

Next task could be simply opening the window and shouting colourful abuses at your neigbour which might actually prove to be very therapeutic.You see in a world where we are surrounded with politness and social niceties, rightly so , just the fact that you get to act nasty even if it's for few minutes is extremely gratifying.

The lockdown has had some serious consequences beyond the financial ones.

Recently in South India, a drunk man grabbed a venomous snake and bit it until it died simply because it dared to cross the path when he was on his motorcycle.

Now I am sure like me, the first question that would obviously strike your mind would be what kind of irresponsible snake was it who didn’t have knowledge of the Indian Motor Vehicles Act and all its clauses.

With the opening of the liquor stores in few cities, it was intense watching scenes of long queues of men standing for multiple hours and after purchasing trying to balance as many beer and whiskey bottles they could carry home.

The last time I witnessed this spectacle fondly known as the ‘Great Indian Balancing Trick’ was at the Pizza Hut salad bars where balancing a mountain of salad on a tiny plate was seen as an act of valour rather than greed. Of course, the liquor will generate good revenues for the government but the only collateral damage I can predict is that it will just make bedtime stories a bit weird.

“And son, then your grandfather stood in the scorching sun, rebelling against the authoritarian regime. Even after enduring harsh blows from the paramilitary forces and inhaling tear gas, he emerged victorious in the end with not one but two full crates of Hennekein. He could have given up midway, and come back home like a defeated soldier. But he trudged on, for our family pride was at stake. You see Mother Earth can split apart into two but we will simply not let the Shuklas next door beat us ever in anything even if it is liquor hoarding”

In these times there are things which are much more important at the moment like the migrant crises, how the economy will shape going forward, shortage of medical infrastructure, etc.

However, there are dozens of people seeking social validation online for doing domestic chores.

“Just mopped the floor. what do you guys think?”

“Freshly baked sourdough bread. Leave your comments!”

You need a comment, sure please poison your bread. Amidst such disappointing headlines, sourdough bread-related deaths would be a novel metric to keep track of.

With the human race catapulting towards it’s extinction, instead of commenting on the texture of your bread I might as well focus on more vital things like clearing my internet and credit card bills etc.

At the gates of heaven, the last thing I want is to be told is “Remember those 15 rupees you ‘forgot’ paying in your last month’s bill. So unfortunately your bank didn’t ‘forget’ getting in touch with us and now we can only give issue you a gate pass for hell. However, the good news is that since you are a bank defaulter instead of the usual death by boiling oil, we are upgrading you to an exclusive guillotine experience. Also, sir just one last formality, once you get chopped up beyond recognition, would you like yourself to be cooked medium-rare or well done for the devil’s dinner?”

The guillotine experience (Pic credit- Link)

Everything seems to be making the headlines nowadays. Even if it is the prime minister holding a conference call with the chief ministers. News anchors will spend the whole day debating as to what happened in those closed-door meetings. Well I just hope they are not discussing plots of web series or playing housie.

Speaking of which it would be a refreshing change if chief ministers do play housie with the prime minister and get lockdown exemptions as per their performance. The first winning state gets to open ice cream shops and McDonald’s. The second winner gets hardware stores and pani puri stalls. So on and so forth. At least then no Chief Minister can say later that their state was not treated fairly.

As we enter into the next phase of lockdown, here’s hoping we can continue and bring back some of the ‘old abnormal’ into the new normal.

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