Horror-scope 2015

(Article written exclusively for India Today)

Warm welcome to 2015. I write this article with a heavy heart. Recently I had the misfortune of reading my own horoscope for the year ahead in a magazine. For my star sign, Gemini it read -

'Be careful with your weight as you might start comfort eating'

Hate it when astrology columns turn into fitness columns. Now I'll be honest, horoscopes don't make too much sense to me considering that it's rather idiotic to divide the world into 12 star signs & hypothetically expect them to have the same fate. Surely, the human race deserves a lot more personalization. Even the guy at Subway interrogates me with 150 odd questions before serving me my sandwich, which I gladly accept just like cows chew upon available grass, except that I get a fancy Subway logo paper wrapping & a choco chip cookie to go along with my pile of grass or 'freshetarian revolution' as my marketing friends would reaffirm rather shamelessly.

"Sir we have 500 kinds of sauces ready to splash in between your loaf, & ketchup is NOT one of them for reasons we won't ever tell you. Or your mom. Even if you choose to immolate yourself in protest."

It is with great joy that I present to you your horoscope for the year ahead as a small token of love & appreciation to that son of a gun astrologer who predicted mine.

Disclaimer - I have NO experience in fortune telling whatsoever. So in case you do get killed under a Tata Nano despite of me predicting a long life ahead for you, I am sooooo not responsible. Not that you have an option to resurrect and take revenge. But come on, it's humiliating enough to get driven over by a Tata Nano, in which case you totally deserve to die. No offense.

I shall be focusing on 3 major aspects- love life, finance & health. Apologies, if I didn't touch upon the effects of inter planetary movement on your bowel movements. I am a humour columnist, not a psychic.