(Article written exclusively for India Today)
Warm welcome to 2015. I write this article with a heavy heart. Recently I had the misfortune of reading my own horoscope for the year ahead in a magazine. For my star sign, Gemini it read -
'Be careful with your weight as you might start comfort eating'
Hate it when astrology columns turn into fitness columns. Now I'll be honest, horoscopes don't make too much sense to me considering that it's rather idiotic to divide the world into 12 star signs & hypothetically expect them to have the same fate. Surely, the human race deserves a lot more personalization. Even the guy at Subway interrogates me with 150 odd questions before serving me my sandwich, which I gladly accept just like cows chew upon available grass, except that I get a fancy Subway logo paper wrapping & a choco chip cookie to go along with my pile of grass or 'freshetarian revolution' as my marketing friends would reaffirm rather shamelessly.
"Sir we have 500 kinds of sauces ready to splash in between your loaf, & ketchup is NOT one of them for reasons we won't ever tell you. Or your mom. Even if you choose to immolate yourself in protest."
It is with great joy that I present to you your horoscope for the year ahead as a small token of love & appreciation to that son of a gun astrologer who predicted mine.
Disclaimer - I have NO experience in fortune telling whatsoever. So in case you do get killed under a Tata Nano despite of me predicting a long life ahead for you, I am sooooo not responsible. Not that you have an option to resurrect and take revenge. But come on, it's humiliating enough to get driven over by a Tata Nano, in which case you totally deserve to die. No offense.
I shall be focusing on 3 major aspects- love life, finance & health. Apologies, if I didn't touch upon the effects of inter planetary movement on your bowel movements. I am a humour columnist, not a psychic.
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Your major romantic experiences shall come around June. The universe will conspire so you have the rare opportunity of having bhindi do pyaaza at your crush's wedding. Hold your horses, you won't be the groom. But, the jilted lover. With Saturn in the third house and other random planet geo positional co-ordinates I shall make up after 3 cans of beer, your finances will remain stable overall. Expect few minor health surgeries & STDs just incase you took the latest MakeMyTrip.com email seriously. FYI- The email subject was 'End 2014 with a bang. Book a package to Thailand right away!!'
Leo (July 23 – August 23)
Expect your 'special someone' to kick you out of the house soon. Ya, moms get angry at times. Warm welcome to the #ForeverAlone zone. We missed you dearly. Money shall keep flowing seamlessly unless you decide to put that cute puppy of yours up for auction online, in which case do gear yourself to be struck by lightning. No health problems predicted for year ahead but do visit your doctor once in a while for that adrenaline rush of giving urine samples while the toilet door latch is broken.
Libra (September 23 — October 23)
A mysterious stranger will enter your life who will eventually end up ruining your love life, finances and health. The income tax inspector. Seriously, appoint a new chartered accountant.
Scorpio (October 23 — November 22)
Your relationship will become more intimate. Expect the police cyber cell department to monitor your creepy Facebook messages to random girls. Saving is a virtue indeed. A wise man once said.I am not wise & I didn't say that. But what I will say is that you might as well keep that 10 Rs note back in your wallet. Remember that 10 Rs tip you kept for the waiter in that 5 star hotel you dined in recently?? Bloody cheapo, you are! . No major health issues predicted. Piles may or may not affect you. Pretty much depends on the number of diarrhoea patients you mocked in your previous life birth.
Capricorn (December 22- January 20)
You, my friend are the distressed kind. The world has been rather unkind to you since the time you took birth. Like having a goat as a star sign wasn't embarrassing enough, the world threw bigger challenges at you. Just pray to the celestial powers above that in your next life birth, at least you get a more socially acceptable star sign like a Pikachu or something. Your love life shall blossom in the coming months. So much so, that you have full chances of getting kicked out by H.R for sexual harassment. Financial situation might be bit tricky. Support piracy. Opt for fake Hugo Boss fragrances. Trust me, no one will notice the difference. Be aware of common cold symptoms. They come in handy when you have a fake medical sick leave certificate in hand.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Ok I am a bit biased. Your star sign is kinda related to water which in turn is related to Baywatch babes. So I shall go kind on you. Expect to flourish in all spheres of life- health, finance & love. Don't believe the guys who say 'Love is the greatest treasure of life'. Quite possibly they are being chased by bank goons themselves for running late on loan repayments.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Love isn't anywhere near the horizon. But arranged marriage is.So congrats!! Finances shall remain smooth throughout the year. Unless you took up that Country Club annual membership, in which case you might as well seek entertainment by watching, pigeons indulging in public display of affection (PDAs) in your balcony rather than going out to watch concerts of rejected Bollywood actresses. Heart ailments might bother you. Reduce your samosa consumption asap.
Virgo (August 24 — September 22)
Romantic relationships may come to a standstill. Gifting that artificial set to your loved one in a branded jewellery box was a f**ked up idea indeed! Gear up for unexpected business deals which will bring you plenty of fortunes. Trading WWE playing cards with friends does not count though. Expect liver issues to pop up. Unless you are in Gujarat in which case, fear diabetes first.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Your potential soul mate is just round the corner and will forever remain there. Who the hell told you keeping ferocious Dobermans tied to your gate was a hospitable gesture?. Expect windfall gains shortly in your junk mail folder. For a change Nigerians won't cheat you this time. Fellow Indians shall do the needful !. Someone might stab you from behind while you're jogging on the treadmill. Stay away from the gym.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
You are fun loving, creative , gorgeous, intellectual, charming & any other sexy adjectives you can think of. Besides Angelina Jolie, Adriana Lima & Anna Kournikova, you also happen to share your star sign with me, the black sheep of the Gemini family . You shall remain clueless in love life, finance & health in 2015, pretty much like I was when I started writing this article. You're welcome!
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
Love is eternal indeed, somewhat like Rupa undergarments. You need a new partner soon . Finances shall remain stable provided you remain focused on your core skills- kidnapping toddlers for ransom. Spine ache could affect your health. Stop being a miser. Upgrade to that business class ticket you have always wanted. The food might suck, but they do give you perfumed wet tissues to wipe your tears filled with guilt for spending a bomb on shitty service.
Sagittarius (November 23 — December 21)
Cross cultural romantic relationships are on the cards. Expect a blissful union of two souls destined by the stars for love and love only & sometimes U.S green card citizenship too. You shall feel burdened with the weight of materialism on your arms. Seriously, those Louis Vuitton suitcases look ugly!.Body ache might cause you many problems. My only advise is don't try out yogic postures unless you seek to get a spot on national television in the early morning hours wearing neon green coloured spandex so grannies get entertained while watching you break your ligaments one after the other on Yoga shows. Subscribe to The Laughing Messiah Blog updates to get your weekly dose of troll - Click Here or join our Facebook page for daily troll status updates Click here Send us your feedback - firstname.lastname@example.org